Saturday, November 17, 2012
I'm still feeling it with the loss of my nephew. Not only do I not get to spend time with my wife Janice, but now I HATE leaving my kids with other people. I'm started to get paranoid about it. Even for just a few hours, or in church. I HATE THIS! This is such a bad curse. I'm so lost...This is one of the worst feelings I could have never imagined as having when as a parent. I hate this. It's making my depression worse.
Friday, October 14, 2011
10/14/2011 1:13AM
I used to write in journals, and then a fear grew that one day someone might find those journals. That's not how I wanted my kids to remember me. But this feels safer, even if it's not. I used to write a lot actually. Back in high school I would write poetry to help clear my mind. I would pass Janice my little hidden symbols of love within them. Those were much simpler times....
All of this is random, because I am just going to spit out any idea that comes to my head at any given moment. Maybe I'll feel better. I consider myself a pretty optimistic person. I have grown up a Mormon, and even now still believe most of what the religion teaches. Some things are strange about it, but when I really think about it there is no other church I would rather be in, so that's pretty much that. I used to be a pretty strong character, upholding the belief that someday I would raise children in a perfect little world. Huh, funny how those types of things can come screeching to a halt, eh? I am not ashamed of my kids, not at all. I can't imagine life without them, but, this is where the pain starts.
Now I am 25, 3 associates degrees and pretty much feel like I have nothing to offer to the world, just company to offer for my kids and my wife. That's all I really feel like though, is good company. You see, a little over a year ago my nephew Ian died, and since then I felt like if my life was ever a wreck before, it's a million times worse now. I go to school relatively full time, work two Jobs, one as an intern at IBM and then other a Pharmacy Technician, and have a 2 year old boy Kaden, and Mackenzie who is just about to be born. I am physically ready, I think, but mentally I feel like I am already dead. I have really really bad anxiety attacks before tests at school, and am now sitting here at 1 in the morning writing on a stupid blog.
Depression issues? Yes. Anxiety issues? Yes. Suicidal thoughts? Sometimes, although I am pretty sure I am past that stage in life where I would actually do something like that. I'm not that selfish, but sometimes when I am really down that doesn't seem to matter. I also used to be a pretty fit guy. Now I weigh somewhere around 290 because of a terrible car accident that ruined my back. I have had a hard time getting back in shape since then, about 6 years ago. Back luck just seems to follow me.
I am this grown up young man with a whole life in front of him, a family, a beautiful pregnant wife who loves me, and I can't see it! I can't see it. I am blind, literally. I can't feel it anymore, like my feelings have gone numb since Ian died. I think about him all the time. Kaden was only 5 months younger than him, but Ian drowned. I can see his face. I can feel his lungs filling with water, and I wasn't there to pull him out. Nobody was there to pull him out. He reached up, he was scared, and now I just feel like God abandoned him in his greatest moment of need. How can I forgive him for that? How can he forgive me for the things I have done wrong, and I can't forgive him for that? I can't let go of this, I can't defeat this. It isn't possible. I know what I am capable of, but there is no getting passed this. I am forever ruined in my mind, always thinking of myself as a failure even though I prove success in school all the time! I may not be the best, but I seem to somehow pull it off.
This is the poison that runs through my veins. This is what I face every day, in secret. I hide my true feelings inside because I despise talking about them, yet here I am staring into the depths of my own words. I want to believe Ian is here with me, and he is safe somewhere in the next life, but there is a blocker there, something I can't see past. I can't ever know, and I hate it when people tell me that they do know, because they don't. They just hope, and have faith. I have lost my faith. I have lost my hope. I have failed myself.
My heart is broken, and nobody will ever read this because it's my hidden secret. This isn't post secret, it's real life, and mine is destroyed. I remember him every day, and weep for my sister who seemingly has little support from her husband. If you cared AT ALL about how she felt, you would get rid of that pool, move, or DO SOMETHING! He should have died that day, not Ian, but I guess sprinklers are more important. Anger issues too? Yep, you bet.
How do I get over this? Any of this? All of this? I am a mess physically and mentally but I don't want to go see doctors because they would all think I am some crazy pill popping prick with an sad story to tell, but drugs are my only way out, and I am too scared to get them. I feel like if I take those anti depressants, or those pain killers, it will make me forget him in some way. I don't want to forget him, I want to remember his precious face. I miss you Ian, and I am sorry that I couldn't be a strong Uncle for you. I am sorry I can't be a better brother to your mom. I fall short every day, and get up slower and slower every morning. I want to believe that I am more than what I have become, but I just can't. This, All of this, is my true secret. The one that I am ashamed of, the one that will never cease to haunt me. This is what eats me at night, what keeps me awake, what makes me sore. This is my true secret. I am, 25 and older.
All of this is random, because I am just going to spit out any idea that comes to my head at any given moment. Maybe I'll feel better. I consider myself a pretty optimistic person. I have grown up a Mormon, and even now still believe most of what the religion teaches. Some things are strange about it, but when I really think about it there is no other church I would rather be in, so that's pretty much that. I used to be a pretty strong character, upholding the belief that someday I would raise children in a perfect little world. Huh, funny how those types of things can come screeching to a halt, eh? I am not ashamed of my kids, not at all. I can't imagine life without them, but, this is where the pain starts.
Now I am 25, 3 associates degrees and pretty much feel like I have nothing to offer to the world, just company to offer for my kids and my wife. That's all I really feel like though, is good company. You see, a little over a year ago my nephew Ian died, and since then I felt like if my life was ever a wreck before, it's a million times worse now. I go to school relatively full time, work two Jobs, one as an intern at IBM and then other a Pharmacy Technician, and have a 2 year old boy Kaden, and Mackenzie who is just about to be born. I am physically ready, I think, but mentally I feel like I am already dead. I have really really bad anxiety attacks before tests at school, and am now sitting here at 1 in the morning writing on a stupid blog.
Depression issues? Yes. Anxiety issues? Yes. Suicidal thoughts? Sometimes, although I am pretty sure I am past that stage in life where I would actually do something like that. I'm not that selfish, but sometimes when I am really down that doesn't seem to matter. I also used to be a pretty fit guy. Now I weigh somewhere around 290 because of a terrible car accident that ruined my back. I have had a hard time getting back in shape since then, about 6 years ago. Back luck just seems to follow me.
I am this grown up young man with a whole life in front of him, a family, a beautiful pregnant wife who loves me, and I can't see it! I can't see it. I am blind, literally. I can't feel it anymore, like my feelings have gone numb since Ian died. I think about him all the time. Kaden was only 5 months younger than him, but Ian drowned. I can see his face. I can feel his lungs filling with water, and I wasn't there to pull him out. Nobody was there to pull him out. He reached up, he was scared, and now I just feel like God abandoned him in his greatest moment of need. How can I forgive him for that? How can he forgive me for the things I have done wrong, and I can't forgive him for that? I can't let go of this, I can't defeat this. It isn't possible. I know what I am capable of, but there is no getting passed this. I am forever ruined in my mind, always thinking of myself as a failure even though I prove success in school all the time! I may not be the best, but I seem to somehow pull it off.
This is the poison that runs through my veins. This is what I face every day, in secret. I hide my true feelings inside because I despise talking about them, yet here I am staring into the depths of my own words. I want to believe Ian is here with me, and he is safe somewhere in the next life, but there is a blocker there, something I can't see past. I can't ever know, and I hate it when people tell me that they do know, because they don't. They just hope, and have faith. I have lost my faith. I have lost my hope. I have failed myself.
My heart is broken, and nobody will ever read this because it's my hidden secret. This isn't post secret, it's real life, and mine is destroyed. I remember him every day, and weep for my sister who seemingly has little support from her husband. If you cared AT ALL about how she felt, you would get rid of that pool, move, or DO SOMETHING! He should have died that day, not Ian, but I guess sprinklers are more important. Anger issues too? Yep, you bet.
How do I get over this? Any of this? All of this? I am a mess physically and mentally but I don't want to go see doctors because they would all think I am some crazy pill popping prick with an sad story to tell, but drugs are my only way out, and I am too scared to get them. I feel like if I take those anti depressants, or those pain killers, it will make me forget him in some way. I don't want to forget him, I want to remember his precious face. I miss you Ian, and I am sorry that I couldn't be a strong Uncle for you. I am sorry I can't be a better brother to your mom. I fall short every day, and get up slower and slower every morning. I want to believe that I am more than what I have become, but I just can't. This, All of this, is my true secret. The one that I am ashamed of, the one that will never cease to haunt me. This is what eats me at night, what keeps me awake, what makes me sore. This is my true secret. I am, 25 and older.
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